I used to need you to tell me I was okay. Because if you didn’t think I was good enough, then I knew I wasn’t.
I got this idea from my father, an overplayed theme, and in hindsight I know he meant no harm. But then you reinforced this. With your silence, you let me fall further into this lie.
And it is under this lie I have lived. And I have changed my habits, and I am certain if you met the me I am now, back then, then you would have loved me.
But that is besides the point.
I am good enough. Without your opinions, stamp of approval, you could think I was the scum of the earth and though it would hurt, you would be wrong.
I think this is why I wanted to be in a relationship so badly. With you, with anyone. I was replaying roles taught in childhood, scripts that never should have been written. Asking, Daddy will you love me? Will a man, any man, ever love me?
I didn’t want to be in a relationship to love someone else, I wanted to be in a relationship to BE LOVED.
And I have always sort of suspected this, this intense need for validation, but it was never something I had the strength to confront. So I lived with it. With the lie. With the question.
But in time and space alone, I sat with this question. Stared at it, examined it, and kept pushing forward always forward. I ignored it and let new experiences and new people define me.
On my own I fought with God to reveal his truth. In community I watched people respond to me.
In this way I learned who I was. Who I am. Who I CAN BE.
And now…you are irrelevant. At least, your opinion is. You can love me, or you cannot love me, but that does not change that I am loved.
So with this new set of thoughts…yes, I would like to be married. Very much so. But for the first time, I don’t feel like I NEED it. I want it to happen, I would love to share my life with my best friend. But it’s been a hard climb, working my way to Neutral. I would like to stay here for a minute and breath, get used to not needing your approval. Anyone’s approval. Loving myself and understanding what I bring to the table. I think it is from here I can learn to overflow love onto others.
I used to love so that people would love me back. I don’t think that’s how it was meant to be. I am excited for this place of neutral, stability, normal. It is a blank slate, opportunity, confidence. If I fall, it’s not the end. It is not a judgement of who I am. Because, finally, at last, I know who I am.
From here, I hope to become the woman who can love freely. Sure footed and strong.
My Father has made me strong. He has rescued me from the pit. He lit the path and bade me keep walking. It is good to no longer need you.